I’m on my knees, wearing a peasant Amazon headpiece you bought me for 9 euros.
I’m begging you to let me go, and you punch me in the face.
“Shut up,” you say. “I bought you for three pigs from your father.
You belong to me.”

I know it sounds funny, but noone is laughing.
Then you punch me again and spit on me.
Sometimes I forgot how strong you are, and this second punch feels very real.
My ears are ringing now, and I start to cry.
It’s okay, because that’s exactly why am I here.

I remember the three times in my childhood,
when I felt that strange tickling inside during three movie scenes.
And couldn’t name it here.

Since I was little I always knew one thing:
I’m a bad person, and I need to be punished.
My father would come home drunk, take off his belt,
and I would scream so loud I lost my voice.
The neighbors knocked on our door, saying they’d call the police.
Neighbours said to other neighbours that our family is fucked up
Neighbours talk behind our back and scared of us.
I’m scared too
At fourteen, I told him if he hit me again, I’d slice his throat in his sleep.
And he believed me.

Now I’ve grown up, and I’m on my knees in front of you,
begging you to punch me.
You do. You spit on me.
I look up at you with my submissive puppy eyes
Eyes I’ve been training since I was seventeen.
I wag my tail.

I’m ready to be fucked by the ugliest man I’ve ever seen,
And I’ve never felt happier.

When I met you the first time, I thought we’d never meet again.
I looked at you and hated everything:
Your eyes, your hair, ur face
I was embarrassed to be seen with you.
Scared my ex-lovers would see us together and laugh.
They’d point at me, laughing.
I was so ashamed.
But I still ended up in your hippie WG.
Your room, the smallest, furthest one, felt like a little goblin cave.
A prison.

I sat on top of you and asked my usual question:
“Do you have a big dick?”
“Look for yourself,” you said, smiling
I knew that smile very well.
You took off your pants,
you have the biggest dick I’d ever seen.
Everything came together, like a fantasy.
Trolls in basements with cocks so huge you can see them through
your belly when they fucking you.
Suddenly, everything made sense.
I let Tim go and now I have nothing to loose and nothing to love.
I was very bad person, and u came to my life to punish me.

I took off my clothes and we fucked.
And I decided I’d be your girlfriend.

★

Halloween. We’re sitting with all your friends.
I can’t help but notice that they all look better than you.
In a room full of hot people, I’m fucking the ugliest one.
And somehow that makes me proud.

You in your sad little costume that you made yourself.
I’m high and so horny I want to fuck you right there.
I want to scream:
That ugly man is mine.
He has the biggest cock you’ve ever seen.
He fucks me so good I’m always wet.
I’m wet right now. Does ur boyfriends ever made u cum ?

You and your handsome, popular boyfriends.
You don’t know shit.
Because sex isn’t pretty.
It’s ugly and beastly and gross and hairy and full of liquids.

You don’t want to fuck tonight. You’re sick.
You ask me to go home.
I got mad.
I decide I don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore. As it ever was my choice , as u ever would let me.

★

It’s been a few months since we met.
We have a rule: fuck once a week because u scared I will get too attached
I can’t wait to come to your WG,
go straight to the smallest room so we can fuck.
Then we watch anime.
Then we fuck again.
And again. And again.

I love your face.
I love your eyes.
I love your big nose.
I love how hairy you are.
I love your dick.

The only thing I haven’t learned to love yet is your nipples-
Too pink, too fresh.
They don’t belong on your monster body.

I’m always wet.
I’m always cumming.
You punch me.
You tie my hands. U made photos of me tight up to jerk off on that lately
You spit on my face. U filming me sucking ur dick
I’m never bored.
It just keeps getting better.

We don’t use condoms anymore.
And if I get pregnant, I’ll keep the baby.
Not because I want kids
But because I want the world to know I belong to you.
That you’ve possessed me.
I want you to cum in me with your dirty, nasty liquid
And I want to keep it inside forever.
Next Halloween, I’ll be pregnant,
Wearing a Rosemary costume-
Because I’m giving birth to the devil’s baby.

Because I got pregnant
Being fucked by a monster
With his raw, uncondomed dick -
And everyone will know.

★

This year, my father died.
My cruel, stupid, drunk father.
My only father.
I ask you to come over, but you’re too tired and overwhelmed.
You don’t want to do that job, and suddenly I feel very tired of you.
I don’t want to be punished, and I don’t want to play our silly sex games anymore.
I hate your WG. I hate your face. I hate your eyes. I hate your hair. I hate your dick.
I wanted to be fucked in missionary. I wanted to say I love you
I wanted to escape this prison, your small goblin cave.
So I go to Halle, and I fuck my friend.
His dick is bigger than yours. Maybe not longer, but thicker. I feel fulfilled.
I think about it for the next few days. Sex with you starts to feel pointless.
Because with you, it’s just a flash.
A hand slap. A spit. A bone. A boner.
When we just started seeing each other, I said once, “I miss you.”
You said, “I missed having sex with you,”
so I wouldn’t get the idea it was more than that.
It’s been seven months since then. Now you say, “I missed you. I really do.”
Like that could erase everything. Like that could fix us. Unbreak us. Unbreak my heart.
We fuck one last time, and I say, “You could do everything to me.”
(This very, very last time-before we stopped existing.)
You ask to cum inside me. I say no, breaking my own promise.
I think: your dick doesn’t feel fulfilling anymore.
I think about my friend’s dick. I feel free from you.
You don’t possess me anymore.
Because it’s just a flash. A hand slap. A spit. A bone. A boner.
I repeat it over and over.
I leave home. And I will never see you again.

aly yekimova started by studying cinema criticism and writing about movies, but fast enough moved on to making comics and typing texts into my notes about sex, porn, kinks, myth, sacred things, and how it’s all one at once, all the same.

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