(๑ ؔؖؕ◉͠ ◡͐ ◉ؕؔؕؖ͠)ノʸᵉᵃʰᵎ ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ MY FIRST KHOLE ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆
Carmen Llin
We were in a basement. There were groupies and there were DJs. The groupies were silly. The DJs even more so. I was the silliest of them all. I didn’t know how to hold the straw. The groupies were glaring at me.
They don't think I'm silly. They think I'm RETARDED. And I feel ashamed.
Silly is an acronym.
Silly stands for “Silly I love LOVE you”.
Retarded only means ily when I call u a retard.
Retarded is a word u can’t say outside of Dimes Square without getting cancelled.
Smoking was not allowed. And we all smoked. We all smoked A LOT. And the blunts didn’t work btw.
I am immune to drugs. The first time I did K I was happy but I didn't khole.
I am a kitten. We do cocaine. It does not work. It makes me sleepy. It makes me want to read u 1000 poems. I read u the raped nun's confession from Bad Lieutenant. U film me. Wait this is not the good part. Wait. What. I lost the plot.
We go to ur Airbnb. For a couple of days I forget I might be pregnant. I ask u to fuck me rlly hard so that I'll stop being pregnant. Baby we lost the baby. It was not yours :’c
I love you and I love doing drugs with u. I won’t get addicted to drugs tho. I am addicted to nothing and drugs are too much. And I don't wanna get pimples and stuff.
We do more cocaine and put little balls of dust into two cigarettes. There is enough dust on ur phone to do one more line each. But you throw away the rest of the cocaine. You blow it away like a candle. You say it’s important for you. You have to blow it away so that cocaine does not become important. I go doe eye coquette fawn waif mode in hopes u won't blow it away. U say I’m a junkie. I say I have post war mentality. I lick your fingers. I wanna lick ur phone. You cannot throw away things like that.
My grandmother had a cabinet filled with free sugar bags. Then she died. And she hated me. And she had a cabinet filled with free sugar bags. I still cry about the civil war and other wars I'm too stupid or privileged to know about. I cry about babies dying. I cry about being ugly. I cry about being fat. I cry about being stupid. I cry about being bad and i want my imaginary baby to die. Not only do i want it to die, i want it not to exist. I’m sorry mom. I have a baby and it lives in a Schrodinger box. I don't care whether it exists or not. I don't want it to exist. I hate myself for having a little Schrodinger's cat inscribed onto my belly.
We go outside to smoke the cigarettes lined with coke. It’s 3am and there's weird people on the street. I'm not scared bc I’m the girl and girls must be protected and always have been protected. But you have seen some fucked up shit in your life so the weird people on the street are not funny to you.
Then we go back to the room. We do half a gram of K each. You teach me how to use a straw. My fur coat smells like drugs bc your nose smells like drugs. There is white dust on your hair and on your shirt. There is dust on my white tennis skirt but u can't see it bc it's white. I’m stupid and I'm white and I should not say the nword.
We put two chairs facing each other. Then I sit on your lap. We look into each other's eyes -uwu- Your eyes are lighter than I thought. You look like a cat. But not a normal one. One of those Dasha likes. The ones that live in the snow. (rip dash snow)
We run to the bed to charge our phones before the K hits. I think it won't ever hit. I’ve never kholed. My brain is broken. You put an episode of Rick and Morty on your phone. But the ketamine hits and this is corny but I get lost in your body. It stops being a body and becomes an infinite spiral building. Your shirt is dark and the lights are off. The rooms in your body are dark but I know they are not empty. There are calico critters running inside of u. I am a calico critter but I move very slowly. I bump into them. They are running. They are afraid.
When we die we'll all go to the same place. When we die we'll all go to heaven. Heaven is heaven for good people and heaven is scary for people like me. I wonder as I walk through the dark corridors of heaven if I am in heaven. There must be more than one heaven. No, heaven must be the ultimate singularity. What if heaven feels like a stupid instagram reel. Can I accept heaven. Am I pure enough to accept heaven. Can I live here forever. Could I find God in heaven. Would I dare to say haiiii >w<.
I become tiny and tinier like a molecule. I keep getting lost. I look for your heart because I know it's not empty. I become so small I think I can find God. I look for God inside your body forever. Forever stops. I exit the spiral building. I realize it’s your body.
I lose my mother tongue. I realize we are in a room. I realize ur here. Ur head is wonky. Ur an adorable giant. I am a microbe but still realize I have a body. I am an atom but my eyes are bigger than my flesh. My eyes become so big they stop working. And I think having a body is weird. Being alive is so weird. BEING ALIVE IS SO WEIRD. I still can't believe this is the same body I had as a child. I’m not a child. I’m still that child. This is the same flesh I had as a child. How can I feel so alien from that child. Would she hate me. AM I PRETTY. I am about to die and this is all that matters. ‘IM SO FUCKING UGLY. THIS IS SO FUCKING UGLY. Ur with me. I lose my tongue. I’m afraid to make you sad. So I write whatever this is so u can't hear it.
"This is so fucking disgusting no actually its beautiful everything is so fucking ugly every thing is so fucking beautiful being alive fwwls soo weird idk who i am Gravity and Grace grace."
I don't want you to think ur ugly bc ur beautiful and you are good. Everything is ugly because I am ugly. I am disgusting and therefore should not contaminate true beauty. everything is so beautiful rn that the rest feels so ugly I have to say it out loud.
My fingers don't work. I crawl out of bed. I get on my knees. What if I die rn. My mom would not know where I am. It would be an inconvenience for you and you would be cancelled. I’m ready to die but I won’t bc u care and so does my mom. This is not the place where I'll die. I won't let my body die. I can't die in an Airbnb. I can't die on kitty valium and I can't die in this city bc how cringe.
So I bow my head between ur legs and talk to my mommy in heaven. Virgin Mary forgive me FORGIVE ME FORGIVE ME FORGIVE ME. Forgive me for doing drugs forgive me for lying to my mom forgive me for wanting to die forgive me for having sex forgive me for smoking cigarettes forgive me for raping myself forgive me for being bad even though I know how to be good. Forgive me bc saying sorry is not enough. Forgive me bc I know I won't change. Forgive me for changing so much. Forgive me for killing myself as a child. Saying sorry is not enough.
I feel so close to God rn bc I’m so high. Drugs are sinful but I feel so close to u rn. I don't want to forget.
I see your face and the room starts getting small again. We've retarded ourselves back to creation. I can feel creation and it feels like death. We could have sex at the end of creation but we still don't have a body so u don't have a dick and I don't have a pussy and I don't have a dick and u don't have a pussy and I'm all bleeding eyes and your skin is too soft to touch without breaking it and like god we don’t have a body but we are not god so if we tried to have sex without a body we would die.
I come back to material heaven. Everything is big but I can see now. Ur still tripping. You say ur having a bad trip. I ask why. You say ur afraid. Of what. Ur afraid of pain. I’m scared of pain too but I must be ur guardian angel now. So I say: pain is a sensation and all sensations must be enjoyed. I read that on tumblr when I was 14. But I'm scared of pain too. Pain is not the same as self-harm or bdsm. It comes as a shock when you don't want it and it does not leave u a pretty scar.
If you choked me to death, I would not feel pain. Pain rapes u again and again and you become uglier each time with each rape and each rape is the first and you will be a virgin forever no matter how many times ur raped. U rape urself in hopes you won't be shocked again but you still do.
You start to spasm and I feel afraid bc I don't want u to die. U say this is what long term ketamine use does to your body and idk what to do bc I’m new with drugs and stuff.
U say pass me da vape I’m scared. Cloud my lungs. You lie face up and I feed u 5g clouds like I was your concubine and we were in an opium den. I am ur concubine and that is ok. Sorry feminists. I'm good with that. You say: I could die rn. It would be a beautiful way to die. Please don't. But I could. Ur an angel and a prophet so they will try to cancel u but that is not a good reason enough for you to die. You close your eyes, and you spasm, and I try to help you but I'm afraid of hurting you. You are so beautiful and I don't wanna forget. I think we kiss but I don't remember. I don't remember we have tongues or mouths to kiss.
Then I can't remember. Sleep seemed impossible but I think I fell asleep. Then we woke up and undid the sheets that seemed infinite last night. For the first time you say you are not hungry. For the first time I’m hungry in ur presence. So you eat blood sausages and I eat a lot of bread. We say goodbye. And I vomit on the bus.
/\___/\
THE END
Carmen Llin is a sad little girl who lives in a cage. Her life is stupid and baka but that’s ok. Her face is a blur. Tao Lin is her father. He abandoned her when she was 4 months old. She’s an insomniac who sleeps a lot. She’s into internet spirituality (derogatory) and makes corecore movies about car crashes and love. She paints guts but they don’t sell. It’s okay. She’s a targeted individual. She’s very easy to gangstalk on @carcrashdaddy dot com.