⭑･ﾟﾟ･**ﾟ:*:✼✿✿✼:*ﾟ*･ﾟﾟ･⭑
ＧＩＲＬ，ＢＯＹ，ＢＩＲＤ
⭑･ﾟﾟ･**ﾟ:*:✼✿✿✼:*ﾟ*･ﾟﾟ･⭑
Lucy Parks Urbano
CHARACTERS
GIRL, a girl
BOY, a boy
MELINDA, a nightingale
NOTES
The only moments of silence are marked as such.
There are probably no props and very minimal set pieces.
All punctuation is intentional.
Lights up on MELINDA in a tree. She addresses the audience.
MELINDA
I spent a few months in Paris last year
Cause I was like
That’s where the real classy people are
Like Paris is where motherfuckers are dressing gorgeous
And dancing and having sex and like, not fucking with fascism
In a sick way not like a libbed out way
Like they’re literally climbing on stone monuments
Or ruins or whatever the fuck
And being like “Vive la France!”
So obviously I’m tryna see what’s up with them
But I’m a dumbass because I brought the guy I was dating
Which is like why
Why did I do that
He kept trying to Ubereats sandwiches to the club
And spent every day complaining about the trash on the streets
Which is famously just part of the whole thing
Like Paris is a trash island
You guys know this
The garbage men are always on strike
Cause of the rising price of croissants
Or cause the government is like
Letting Muslims leave the house
So the Parisians are always mad
But my boyfriend was like
“These people leave their tampons in the street and are racist”
Which honestly… kind of real…
Like it turns out French people hate Americans
They were like “Excusez-moi madame, do you own a gun?”
And then I was like “No, are you on literal crack?”
And they were like “You are from California? You live inside ze Erewhon? ‘ailey Bieber smoothie? You ‘ave it?”
And I was like “It might be interesting… if you shut the fuck up!”
But they can’t help it cause it’s literally their culture
And I was like wow I hate flop ass Paris
And I hate my boyfriend
And I miss the fucking beach!
GIRL and BOY enter.
MELINDA
So when I flew home to LA
Which is obviously exhausting
I broke up with my boyfriend
I was like ‘You are a void, I cannot stand you’
And went straight to the beach
And I was feeling the salty California air
And the waves
And the sand
And there’s an old Mexican man trying to sell me mango
But I don’t have cash
And he’s like ‘I take Venmo’
And I’m like why the fuck does bro take Venmo
And there are kids peeing everywhere
Like peeing on me practically
And I realized
Oh SHIT
This is fucking disgusting
Like this is disgusting
I hate LA
I hate Paris and I hate LA
I hate everywhere I’ve ever been and everyone I’ve ever met
I hate everywhere I haven’t been and everyone I haven’t met too
Like Machu Picchu?
Looks terrible
So many fucking stairs
Australia?
Prison colony with an obese insect population
Even places close by
Like the Pinkberry on Hyperion
I see that shit all the time and I’m like
‘Should I go in there?’
NO! No, I should not go in there!
All the machines are probably moldy
And I bet they only have BUSTED ass employees!
I’d hate it!
And myself! I fucking hate myself!
I AM THE ONLY ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
WHO KNOWS WHAT PAIN IS!
Small pause.
GIRL
Is that bird always this upset?
BOY
That’s Melinda.
She doesn’t have a very solid gratitude practice.
GIRL
She can hang out with us if she wants.
MELINDA
I’m not just a bird
I’m specifically a nightingale.
BOY
Melinda, do you want to come in?
MELINDA
I need alone time so bad right now –
Like I just need to breathe through it in this tree.
BOY
Okay fuck
I thought I lost my keys
But here we go.
Small beat.
BOY
So…
This is it.
Pause.
BOY
I’m not a very fancy guy.
Sorry.
How are you?
Pause.
BOY
Is that like
Not what I’m supposed to say?
Pause.
BOY
Did you think I was gonna be
I don’t know
Different from how I am?
GIRL
I don’t think so.
BOY
Cause you’re exactly how I thought you’d be.
Pause.
GIRL
Wait –
Are you a businessman?
BOY
What?
GIRL
A teacher?
BOY
Are you guessing what I do for a living?
GIRL
Unemployed?
BOY
Bruh.
GIRL
Lifeguard?
BOY
Do I look like a lifeguard?
GIRL
Yes actually.
BOY
Thanks?
GIRL
Exterminator?
BOY
Nope.
GIRL
Jungian psychologist?
BOY
What is that?
GIRL
Stripper?
BOY
Um?
GIRL
Your dad invented Target?
BOY
No.
GIRL
LEGO designer?
BOY
I wish.
GIRL
Bisexual?
BOY
Not a job.
GIRL
Well
I have a husband.
Beat.
GIRL
Yeah, I have a husband
Who is like much older
And very much from another country.
Small pause.
BOY
Damn.
Shawty adulterous.
GIRL
Would you be down to
Like
Help me kill him?
Beat.
GIRL
Please.
BOY
I really don’t think so.
GIRL
But he really wants me to!
Because he’s extremely old and very ill.
So he told me to come here.
We looked at your picture together.
I said, ‘How about him?’
And he said, ‘Why?’
And I said, ‘Look at his eyes.’
And he said, ‘Eh.’
And I said, ‘Really look at his eyes.’
And he said, ‘Go.’
So I swiped right and here I am
And now he wants us to
You know
Like
Murder the fuck out of him.
Beat.
BOY
You like my eyes?
GIRL
What?
BOY
You know like
In a movie
When a guy says a bunch of crazy shit to a girl
But there’s like one little compliment in there
And that’s all she remembers
Like he goes on this whole tirade
And then, at the end, she’s like
‘You think I’m pretty?’
That’s me dawg.
I’m like
‘You like my eyes?’
Get it?
After all that you stuff you said
I’m like
‘You like my eyes?’
Like a girl.
Pause.
BOY
Like a girl.
Get it?
GIRL
My husband wants to die so bad!
BOY
Dude I told you I am not gonna kill your husband!
GIRL
No, sorry, I wasn’t super clear.
I am gonna kill my husband.
You just have to help me clean up.
I kill and you clean.
And the universe will exhale
And all living beings will rest.
BOY
Calm down okay
You’re a girl
You’re not a philosopher.
GIRL
That would be a crazy band name
‘You’re a girl not a philosopher’
BOY
Do you think he feels like a cuck?
GIRL
Well I’m not going to sleep with you
And anyway he’s very beautiful.
BOY
There are beautiful cucks.
GIRL
No he’s like
So old and so beautiful
He wouldn’t even care if you fucked me
I’m not going to
But he wouldn’t mind
He just wants to die.
BOY
How will you do it?
GIRL
Sword.
Small pause.
BOY
I do social media marketing for an athleisure brand.
GIRL
What?
BOY
That’s my job.
GIRL
Athleisure.
BOY
Yeah it’s like clothes you work out in that aren’t painful to wear
And also some people wear them to the coffee shops.
GIRL
I know what athleisure is.
BOY
I wanted to be a painter.
Pause.
GIRL
Is the bird asleep?
BOY
Prolly.
MELINDA
You dumb fuck
I am literally awake.
BOY
Oh hi, Melinda.
MELINDA
Do you and the girl you brought home to fuck want to watch a movie?
Pause.
GIRL
Like what movie?
MELINDA
Lowkey Apocalypse Now.
Cause I’ve never seen it
And I’m getting to an age where that bothers everyone.
GIRL
There aren’t like
Birds in it…
Is that an issue?
MELINDA
I don’t require representation. Open the window so I can come in.
GIRL looks at BOY like ‘is this ok?’ He shrugs. She opens the window.
GIRL
Hi.
MELINDA
Hi.
BOY
Hi.
GIRL
Hi.
MELINDA
Hi.
GIRL
Hi.
MELINDA
Hi.
GIRL
Hi.
BOY
Okay stop.
GIRL
Sorry.
MELINDA
I think I love her.
GIRL
I literally think I love her too.
MELINDA
I haven’t felt this free since 2013.
BOY
What happened in 2013?
MELINDA
Girl stuff, you wouldn’t get it.
BOY
You’re a bird.
GIRL
She’s a girl bird.
MELINDA
I’m literally a girl bird.
GIRL
Wait
Can you clean up murders?
Like does your species allow you to clean up murders?
MELINDA
You have such weird energy I love you.
GIRL
I love you too.
MELINDA
This is like when girls meet in the bathroom at the bar right?
GIRL
This is literally like when girls meet in the bathroom at the bar!
BOY
I’ve always wondered what that’s like!
MELINDA
We’re not talking to you!
GIRL
Melinda we have so much in common!
Like even though you’re a bird and I’m a girl,
I feel like we’re the same bitch regardless!
MELINDA
I totally feel like that!
GIRL
Do you have a grandma?
Like do you have a bird grandma?
MELINDA
I do! I do have a bird grandma!
GIRL
Do you have a pussy?
Like do you have a bird pussy?
MELINDA
I do! I do have a bird pussy!
BOY
I’ll help you kill your husband.
Pause.
BOY
I have decided I will help you kill your old husband.
GIRL and MELINDA stare at him.
BOY
I want to.
I want to clean up your murder.
GIRL
Oh cause you feel excluded from the conversation so now you want to clean up my murder?
BOY
HEY!
I am worthy!
I am so worthy!
I am so so worthy even though you’ve put me in a terrible position!
Do you get that I saw your pictures
And I thought you were a beautiful girl
And I swiped right because I thought maybe
Maybe we could be together
For an evening
Or four months
Or maybe years and years
And then I purchased a swiffer
So my floors would be clean for you
And I changed my pillow cases
So you wouldn’t see the ones my acne cream bleached in hideous spots
And I told myself to be brave
And then here you are:
Asking me to aid you in the murder of your husband
(Which I will do because I am very brave)
And you’re getting along better with this bird
Than you do with me
And it feels
Pretty awful okay
It feels pretty awful to be used in this way
And I am a nice boy
I am a very very nice boy
I don’t even choke girls during sex
I don’t say slurs I’m not supposed to say
And this is not how I wanted my evening to go.
Long pause.
GIRL
After I kill my husband
And you clean it up
Maybe we could have dinner.
BOY
I mean yeah…
We can do that.
Beat.
BOY
Wait where’s Melinda?
GIRL
She flew away.
She’s right. Melinda literally left.
BOY
Oh shit.
GIRL
Yeah during all the stuff you were saying
She flew away.
BOY
That’s fine I guess.
GIRL
Yeah that’s fine.
They look out the open window.
END OF PLAY
Lucy Parks Urbano is an actress and writer from Berkeley, CA who lives in Hollywood. Her plays have been produced and workshopped in Los Angeles, the Bay Area, and New York City. More of her work is available on New Play Exchange. Mwah!