I remember the first time I bought a micellar water after my dad passed away
He had brought me the previous one
so whenever I have to restock I think
Okay, thirty-eight bottles ago my dad was still alive
Now my protein powder is gone
The first one arrived the day I met him for the second time,
and he made a joke about how the brand is called Ph.D and I’m a Ph.D to be
Those macros come alone with a
big
fat
brain

When I bought the second one, my immediate thought was
He is gone
I measure life by objects that become extended with memory
There are pieces of clothing I will never wear again,
like football jerseys I used to sleep with my ex
I recall excitement when I just purchased my Retinol
He also was there helping me put on the fridge
My Botox is running out, I’m broke, but I’ll have to buy it again
The glass is most likely to be reusable
Aren’t we all, me thinks

I dyed my hair twice in four months
First time, he made fun of me because I had my forehead stained,
which he kissed like a little bluebird in search of water, stroking my hair,
on his lap. The second time I was crying thinking about the first time.
No stains, though
Memory, such a funny word.
My mother used to hate my fathers boxes of old crayons and kindergarten’s
notebooks,
Why do you save receipts from the 80s, she used to say,
Why do you care about your 6th Grade reports

If I had a warehouse, my memorabilia would be to die for,
although she does have a point. When I lost track of the micellar water bottles, my
life became less tough
Tonight I came late from a night out without feeling like an orphan.
Things go to waste and memories go to where they belong,
but I am looking for nail art inspos for next week,
three nails ago he was caressing my hands,
I don't know, man,
maybe a hundred forwards will witness a ring on my finger.

Mariana Soletti is a Brazilian journalist and PhD candidate in Literary Theory, currently based between Brazil and the United Kingdom, working as a Research Associate at Queen Mary University of London. As a Latina woman, much of her writing is shaped by language, displacement, memory, desire, and the strange intimacies that inhabit everyday life. She is particularly interested in the tensions between tenderness and disorder, as well as in the ways pop poetry can hold both vulnerability and irony at once with confessionality. In her Substack, she publishes personal essays alongside theoretical backgrounds.

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