𝕊тⓘℂҜ𝓪м

been thinking about the divine alchemy of being raped as a chubby 14-year-old

and like grapes into wine

transforming into a hypersexual child slut

as God intended

splaying my accelerated and deformed sexuality all over webcam-based chatrooms in the

2000s

with Stickam as the perfect venue

I’d log on with my cousin

who was also 14, white

and while he was on a quest to get into the Mature Black Adults Chat, I was hellbent on finding

sexual companionship with adult men of all kinds

that’s when I met Andy, his real name

he was handsome because he looked like the lead singer of All Time Low which was also his

favorite band

and he was in his twenties so he was the perfect match for me <3

but there were two other friends of his in the chatroom, also in their twenties

one looked like ugly Jason Momoa and the other like the m’lady meme guy, obviously very ugly

all three wanted to fuck me but because Andy was sooo sexy I talked with him the most

we went into private chats and he’d ask to see my 14-year-old tits and I would show them to him

and then he would brag about it to ugly Jason Momoa and m’lady and then they would flirt with

me harder and try to get me in private chats so they too could see my 14-year-old tits

but then I started to get scared when these other guys asked to see my 14-year-old tits because

they were ugly

and because they were ugly I could see how frightening this all was but it was too late

because one time ugly Jason Momoa did get me in a private chat and I hesitated when he

asked to see my 14-year-old tits

and he got very angry with me

he raised his voice demanding to see my 14-year-old tits

so I of course complied and revealed my small bee stings

and I felt the fear of God in my bones

except there is no God

and the fear of God in my bones

was simply the feeling of self-betrayal,

a sensation so all-consuming

that it does feel religious

obviously I could’ve just left the chatroom

but obviously I didn’t

like all the other times

I was raped as a child,

it felt like destiny

pre-ordained, out of my control

so the same thing happened with m’lady who also bitched and cried about not seeing my

14-year-old tits even though the other guys got to see them

so I showed him my small bee stings too so that everyone was happy

so Andy stopped talking to me entirely

so I left the chatroom for good

and my cousin was never able to stay in the Mature Black Adults chat for longer than a couple

seconds before getting kicked out

so my cousin and I moved on to doing drugs instead

Richard Laxe is a writer and illustrator based in Austin, Texas. He is Editor-in-Chief of Hot Rodeo, an independent magazine celebrating the transgressive artists and cultural figures of Austin.