Baby
Sarah Elda
Baby tell the nurse that the baby is coming
and I don’t have the nursery ready,
I don’t have a name picked out
and I don’t want to know the sex
and I don’t want to know the baby
because it doesn’t know me like that
baby tell the baby I don’t love you
and we’re too young and we don’t know what a baby is
baby tell the birthing pool we could only fill it half way because
last month’s water bill was out of control and it was your fault,
what kind of grown man takes baths every night
and baby, tell me baby,
what kind of baby would you like, because
maybe if I can, I can will myself to give you what you want
if that’s a baby you want baby, I can make a baby for you baby
to make you love me like you’d love my baby
but baby don’t call the baby your baby
baby
will you ask my baby why it destroyed me, baby?
why my stomach’s loose, why I don’t bleed like before baby?
but my baby is my baby, baby
you can’t help my baby like I can baby
I grow and make my baby grow with my body baby
the baby needs me more than you baby
tell the doctor it’s his baby,
that the baby will see him before it sees anyone
it’s not my baby and it’s not your baby, baby
Toilet/Coke
Sarah Elda
and it was porcelain plastic
and it was placid pools of plumbing
and it was a thought of an impulse dispersed,
where again humiliation is forever
and so is that foot of metal
I kneeled over in distraction and broke skin
and thought I’d remember this too
even if it hadn’t etched itself into my calf,
there would’ve been recognition
and it was a vial and then plastic again,
plastic always finds its way into memory
and it was the thought of a thought occuring
and the check and the in
there was humiliation there too:
when I thought I could take as I had taken before
it saddened me to learn that I had ever only taken
and what I took I didn’t have any use for,
and what I took I had taken before,
and what I could take I wouldn’t feel,
now that I must only fill
Everything I owned in October of 2022
Sarah Elda
iPhone 11
Macbook Pro
Laptop charger
1 black journal (completed)
1 small journal
1 black journal
1 planner
2 pillows
4 white pillow cases
2 white fitted sheets
1 white duvet
1 whiteduvet cover
Poster of 2 women kissing found on the street in Brooklyn
Box of lavender incense
1 roll of tape
Invisalign retainer
Invisalign retainer case
Invisalign retainer
Invisalign retainer toothbrush
Honey and sandalwood fragrance oil
Blue scissors
Shock Therapy Karen Finley
Alone Thomas Moore
The Inseparables Simone de Beauvoir
Illness as a Metaphor and AIDS and Its Metaphors Susan Sontag
Il Suicidio Emile Durkheim
Pagine di Scrittori Italiani various authors
Implacable Art Anna Mendelssohn
Nausea Jean-Paul Sartre
MISBHV dustbag
1 men’s razor
1 tobacco flavored vape
12 OraCare Sainsbury’s flossers
19 cotton swabs
2 N95 face masks in packaging
2 used N95 face masks
2 antibacterial floor wipes
2 cat hair brushes
1 wooden hairbrush
Litter box liners
EU phone charger with box
Large litter box liners
Antibacterial wipes
Cling wrap
Black garbage bags
Wooden floor mat
5 plastic bowls
1 bag of cat food
Pair of Warby Parker prescription glasses
Wired headphones with no working microphone
Wired headphones with only right side working
Airpods that a customer left at my old work
Digital camera
Camera case
Camera charger
SD card
4 flat mirrors
1 big mirror
1 lamp
7 long white candles
2 rolls of 35mm film
Vanilla Fudge candle
Frosted Berries candle
Gingerbread candle
Lavender candle
Unnamed scent candle
EU/UK/USA adaptor
2 UK adaptors
1 EU charger box
2 USB chargers
Bag of cat litter
9 packs of camel blues (180 cigarettes)
Canon 35mm film camera
Litter box
Litter box lid
Litter box mat
1 empty Diet Coke can
Lint roller
Isabella Gardner Museum coin pouch
IKEA coin pouch
Florentine style necklace
Crochet hook with rubber handle
Woven basket
Metal chain from fake Prada bag
Front door key for Italy apartment
2 apartment keys for Italy apartment
Key for Italy but with unknown use
Metal ring with faux fang detail
Metal ring with crown embellishment
Metal ring made out of stem of a fork
Metal handmade ring by my friend Linus
Rusted metal chain included with pants I no longer own
2 metal chains meant to exist clasped together but can be separated
Necklace with thin chain and small pendant
RIFLE pant chain
Vitaly metal chain
Metal chain from Italy
6 hair ties
1 loose metal earring
Chain bracelet with watch face held together by 2 key rings
Lock and key
7 Winston skinny cigarettes from Paris
Wooden incense holder
Fake prada pouch
22 safety pins of varying sizes in original packaging
Small ceramic statue from Montenero reading “Benedici la mia casa e la mia famiglia”
FRIEZE magazine
Metal cigarette case
℅ Berlin Queer Photography Exhibit booklet
Postcard from airport cafe
Post card reading “ANIMA: Die Kleider meines Vaters”
Gails opening/closing information booklet
Berghain entrance bracelet
4 Berghain booklets
Berghain sex party calender booklet
2 LIDL receipts
Sainsbury’s bank receipt
All Aboard receipt
Berlin photobook picture of myself
UK plug adapter
USB converter
Bleach London hair bleach
Bleach London developer
Bleach London hair mask
Bleach London instruction pamphlet
Scraps of cut up black garbage bags
1 pencil
10 sewing needles and magnetic needle holder
23 crochet hooks of varying sizes
Crochet hook case
1 seam ripper
1 yarn sewing needle
Black garbage bags in the process of being crocheted together
Green yarn
Brown yarn
orange yarn
White yarn
Black yarn
UK BRP card
1 tampax with applicator
Imodium information pamphlet
CDB tattoo balm
2 knitting needles
Unopened container of plastic buttons in various colors and sizes
Blue mens’ razor missing the razor head
Camera flash attachment
Laptop charger box for US plug
Lighter with Veni Vidi Vinci graphic
Pope keychain
Class of 2013 plastic heart keychain
2 house keys for my parent’s house in the US
Hedex Extra (8 pills)
Cat scratching post
Wool coat found in the street in Berlin
Leather jacket
Adidas trainers
Adidas Sambas
MIISTA black boots
New Rock Cowboy boots
Birkenstock sandals
1 pack of magnesium vitamin powder
Another girl’s fake ID that I used as my own
Fake Prada authentication card
Extension cord plug
2 black blazers
1 black leather belt with metal hardware
6 wooden hangers
Black zip up jacket
COS whitebutton down
School uniform short sleeved white button down
Black scarf
1 Baggu crossbody bag
1 leather shoulder bag and pouch
Crocheted overshirt
Fabric gray crossbody bag with metal hardware
Cloth tote bag with graphic
Leather crossbody bag
Cream IKEA knitted blanket
Grey and white IKEA knitted blanket
Beige IKEA knitted blanket
I heart Berlin ceramic plate
Gold key found on the floor of FOLD
LUST/LUST/LUST club entry bracelet
BOIA DEH lighter
1 silver earring
1 pair of silver hoops
3 pictures of rotten teeth cut out from UK cigarette packets
Russian workbook
3 pamphlets from Edmund de Waal
Gails employee handbook
Glasgow student art journal The Paper
Cat toothbrush
2 deodorants
Vitamin C water soluble tablets
Loose bottle cap
22 Sainsbury's tampons
1 plastic baby comb
Children’s cough syrup
2 Litter box ammonia buster packets
Blue pouch with zipper
Purple shampoo
Black mascara
White mascara
Black kohl eyeliner
Brown eyebrow pencil
2 lip liners
1 red lipstick
Broken phone charger
Phone case
Black marker
Urine collection container
White sewing thread and needle
3 nail clippers
1 SD card
2 mini hair ties
16 black bobby pins
Cut up white tank top
Navy blue spandex shorts
Fishnet tights
White and orange yarn crocheted in squares
2 Calvin Klein brief underwear
Pair of plastic gloves
Black g string
Gray g string
White g string
10 black thongs
2 beige thongs
1 blue thong
1 maroon thong
Long sleeved sheer bodysuit
3 black cropped tank tops
Gray cropped tank top
Graphic muscle tee
Black Emma Blue Jeans muscle tee
Gray tank top with ruching
Black basketball shorts
Black turtleneck tank top with chest cut out
Black long sleeved turtleneck
Leather skirt
Black cropped skirt
Long sleeved black shirt
Black t-shirt with white writing
27 black socks
White towel
Small gray towel
Alligator stuffed animal
Monkey stuffed animal
Hedgehog stuffed animal
2 IKEA bags
Cat carrier
Backpack
Small suitcase
Urine destroyer spray
Litter freshening powder
New School bandana
Christmas reusable grocery bag
1 lightbulb
RCA ID
BRP card
Expired Italian passport
US passport
Codice Fiscale
USA Healthcare card
Rolling papers
Bag of tobacco
Cigarette filters
Russian cigarettes
Lighter with “POOP BUDDIES FOREVER” graphic
Lighter with strawberry graphic
Cerave lip therapy pot
Vaseline pot
UK house key
Squishy pig keychain
Black Perry Ellis wallet
I LOVE ITALIA wallet
Photobooth picture of me and Em
Photobooth picture of me and Pauline
Berlin Metro ticket
2 Germany SIM cards
2 Italian SIM cards
1 US SIM card
1 UK SIM card
Old Uno card
Oyster card
Emma Blue Jeans merch sticker
QR code to a NYC rave
Cigarette warning label “Il fumo uccide smetti subito”
UK empty cigarette packet
2 German empty cigarette packets
Handwritten list of artist a client at my old job in Brooklyn wrote for me
Business card for antipsychotic intervention meeting in Livorno
Hungry Ghost coffee stamp card
Drawing I did of Serena
Empty coke baggie from Rome
Vodafone receipt from Italy
Pizza shop receipt from Italy
Paper with Berlin hostel room code
2 twenty Euro cent coins
1 five Euro cent coin
2 ten Euro cent coins
1 fifty Euro cent coin
1 Euro
1 two Euro cent coin
4 one pence coins
2 fifty pence coins
2 twenty pence coins
5 one pound coins
1 two pound coin
3 packs of gum
JIIJ green dust bag
Cold and Flu capsules (12)
Trilafon 2 mg from Italy (20)
1 plastic baggie with half a Mirtazapine
Bottle of expired Clonazepam
Empty bottle of US escitalopram 20mg
Bottle of methylphenidate 20mg (2.5)
Empty bottle of US perphenazine 2mg
Mirtazipine bottle with 4 methylphenidate
Arazlo gel
Aczone gel
Kinder egg figurine
1 rubber band
Black sweatpants
Escitalopram 10 mg package(20)
Mirtazapine 7.5 mg bottle (22)
Perphenazine bottle 2 mg (127)
Empty bottle of escitalopram 5 mg
Methylphenidate bottle 20mg (17)
Argan hair oil
Hair gel
IKEA beige chair cushion
FEDEX envelope
Cat passport
Cat health documents
Visa documents
Cat
1 silver nose ring
2 medium sized silver hoop earrings
2 rectangular silver hoop earrings
2 chunky small silver hoop earrings
3 thin small silver hoop earrings
1 diamond studded silver hoop earring
Sarah Elda is a writer from Italy currently living in London, where it never begins as it never ceases.